Just when you think you've got the hang of it...you don't.

  I haven't blogged in a little while...shame on me...but never fear my fellow Moms/MSers or a combination of the two I am back. lol. I come bearing a new symptom I am not fond of at all...and will of course be the reason for this blog.  So I have been having difficulty swallowing for a few months now...the sensation is almost as though there is a lump of sorts in my throat. This according to the neurologist is a normal MS symptom so I was instructed to keep it in the back of my mind and chew things completely to avoid choking. Well about two and a half weeks ago as I was sitting up in the late evening hours, because I've also been having difficulty sleeping, I felt this strange sensation come over me...first the back of my neck starts to spasm and tense and then it wraps around following my jaw line which starts to feel numb...and then next thing I know I feel as though I am being choked and my throat feels like it is closing completely.  I am not even going to begin to try and lie and say that it didn't scare the shit out of me...because it did. As a matter of fact it is by far the scariest MS symptom yet...and will be the first thing out of my mouth when I see the VA neurologist next friday. I immediately panicked and those of you with MS are going, oh no don't panic...best advice ever DO NOT PANIC...it just makes it last longer and seem twice as bad. Instead concentrate on deep breathing (afterall if you are still breathing then all is well).  I thought that maybe this would just be another one of my token "symptoms of the day" (this is what I've started calling the random thing that only happens for a day or two and then disappears as fast as it came on)...however I didn't get so lucky. It seems as though this sensation is here to stay...it started in 15 to 20 min waves...now it can last anywhere from that 15mins to an hour and a half. And this last episode which was the longest its ever been gave me the opportunity to choke on food because of it...definitely not cool. Breathing seems to at least make me relax a little but it doesn't make the symptom stop...it still scares the shit out of me and I swallow every few minutes just to reassure myself I still can. It worries me that maybe there is a new active lesion to blame for this unwelcome symptom...but I will just have to wait and see. I'm looking forward to getting back on a treatment so I at least feel like I am trying to slow this disease down. Nobody in the world could prepare themselves for the ups and downs of this disease...but I am going to try as hard as I can to keep myself under control and take it one day at a time.  So if you were out there thinking you were the only one this was happening to...know you are not alone...and if it scared you too don't feel bad because it is by far the worst feeling ever. 

Keep your head held high out there...tomorrow brings opportunity to start fresh...focus on one day at a time <3

tired is an understatement....

  I'm feeling a little spunky today (hence the obnoxious lime green color).  I have been fighting a rather annoying spell of exhaustion lately...to the point where keeping my eyes open to take care of my little lovelies is difficult. But as any Mom knows...no matter how tired you are the show must go on. So today I decided that although rain was in the forecast I was going to get the kids, the dog and myself out of this house. Sometimes I think being a stay at home mom just adds to the fatigue from MS and well a little fresh air never hurt anyone. So off we went this morning to the lake to feed the ducks. It was a great time...granted the ducks were a little confused as to how they were supposed to eat and avoid the dog all at the same time. I was grateful for the dog because ducks can be brutal when bread is being tossed at them and I didn't want to tramatize our daughter the first time she ever got to feed them LOL. It was so nice being out in the cool breeze, which if you've been watching the news lately has been quite scarce in Colorado as of late. I had a small moment where I had to fight a maternal instinct and let Kenzie play...I should have seen it coming, as she loves water but I figured she would be distracted by feeding the ducks. So as we are standing there tossing bread, she realized she couldn't throw it quite as far as mommy...so off she goes into the water so she could get a little closer and get the bread to the ducks.  At first I panicked because here I am with my four month old son on my chest in a pack and my almost 2 year old is walking into the water...if she decided to get a little too spunky I'd have to dive in with my son still in the pack. Nothing about that scenario sounds pleasant...someone is going to get way too much water in the face, and I'm pretty sure it would have been both of them.  But I was a calm momma and took a deep breath and told her to stay close but that she could play in the water. She listened very well and only got the bottom of her dress wet once because she decided to squat in the water...no harm was done and she had a blast because she felt like she was getting to be independent. yay for a good time had by all. 

As far as the MS is concerned...I just recently lost my health insurance which has put a bit of a damper on things. Obviously I cannot afford this disease...even someone well off would find it difficult. So I get to start over with the VA for the MS stuff because that is all that they will take care of...and as for some of the other issues I'm having they will just have to be put on hold. I have my ups and downs as far as this is concerned. I'm adding new symptoms to the list which is always concerning because it could be new lesions or it could just be an old lesion affecting new things. My face goes numb now...my tongue seems to be the most effected by this, to the point where things don't taste right or don't taste at all. Headaches are getting worse too. My brain doesn't always want to function correctly...I was backing out of the driveway the other day and spent a good 5 mins trying to remember which way I would need to turn the wheel to not hit another vehicle in the driveway. Moments like that are frustrating because they disappear not too long after they happen and all is back to normal, but you never know when a spell is gonna hit. Overall disease wise I am in kind of a slump...but what is meant to be will be and so I am trying to embrace the new shortcomings and press on. I cry when I feel like crying and make jokes the rest of the time.

I'm pretty sure I have two full time jobs...raising my kids and battling this disease...some days its hard to tell whose winning, but I won't give up.

Until next time...

when one door closes...who knows what comes next...

I'm back again...certainly not skipping but traveling along this road called life just the same.  I received my discharge paperwork in the mail on tuesday...a small stack of approx. 6 sheets of paper with only one sentence that was remotely positive (Thank you for your honorable service). Some times even something you've known was coming for a year and a half can sneak right up on you and smack you right in the face. My heart hurts from this loss...probably the biggest hate I have for this stupid disease is losing my military career. MS is a liveable disease...it takes things away and gives them back and is random as all hell...but it took one of my biggest joys. There is a pride in being a service member that you can't find in any other job...there is a pride in being a female service member that you can only understand after signing that contract. I never had to go anywhere unpleasant in my 6 years and 11 months (literally to the date) but if I had been called upon to do so I would have done it with every ounce of strength and courage I have. I did do a lot of great things while in the service...and I grew more as a person that I ever would have going to college first...I am grateful for every single memory and for every stripe I earned and for the opportunity to do it in the first place. But that doesn't change that I am pissed off that I was diagnosed with this stupid disease and that two little words were able to take it all away. I know I have been blessed with great things...like an incredibly supportive family, a boyfriend, and two of the most amazing children any mother could ask for. I will never ever say that I am unlucky...I am proud to be where I am and I will be the best stay at home mom the world has ever seen...but it still hurts. The Air Force was a huge part of me and a lifestyle that I will truly miss...I wouldn't trade my experiences as a dependant or a service member for anything. So the door has finally closed and the floor underneath it is wet with tears but I will go on. I will smile each day because God has blessed me with two reasons to do so...I will be the best at whatever comes next because my parents and the air force instilled  in me very important core values. I am who I am because of the way I was raised and what the Air Force taught me at a young enough age for it to stick. I will miss it, but I will be okay.

Keep your chin up out there...tomorrow always brings new hope :)

Fun Fun Fun...

  So I decided that MS sucks...those of us with the disease know this...and complaining about it isn't making it go away (although I will continue to vent from time to time). So today's blog is something far more cheery :) hence the vibrant color choice.

  I'm learning that as a stay at home mom living off of a very minimal disability check, there are still plenty of ways to engage my children without breaking the bank. As a matter of fact there are lots of ways with simple supplies you may just have on hand (which by the way I am all about because going to the store with two little kids is similar to trying to tame a wild beast).  I have successfully completed a whole bunch of activities with my almost 2 year old daughter and can't wait for my son to get to participate too.

  I have also realized in recent months that in order for your child to grow and truly experience the joys of life, you must control your parenting instincts. For example...I have recently started following some blogs through facebook that help me tap into my creative side and come up with brilliant ideas for my children...however some of these activities can be very messy. Maternal instinct is to avoid messy, primarily because I don't want to clean up messy LOL. But I have learned that messy is part of childhood and a childhood without the word messy would be boring as hell...which is just not exceptable.

   My daughter and I have done window art (very simple) which involves glue and I wasn't exactly certain I was making the best decision to do this activity because she wants to stick her hands in everything...but guess what...she survived and to be honest glue dries and peels right up so it wasn't really that messy at all. We just recently introduced play dough...I have some of the store bought stuff and I also started making my own...I thought this would go straight to her mouth but she didn't once try and eat it, pretty impressive. I have made her 5 different sensory bins...essentially designed to introduce her to different textures, colors, animals, and little toys.  They each usually end up being taken out multiple times throughout the day and the contents end up scattered all over the floor...but she LOVES them. These sensory bins have also given us an opportunity to teach her how to pick things up (still a work in progress but progress is good nontheless)...and what happens when she can't behave (no bins come out if she throws a fit when we have to put them away). Last night I introduced her to the light box...which I made myself thanks to another blog I found...thank goodness too because light boxes are a couple hundred dollars and I know very few mom's that can afford that...mine was easily 40$ possibly less (not exactly certain because I purchased other things with the stuff to make it). I made a set of alphabet letters, numbers 1-10, and shapes for it with colored plastic dividers which were also incredibly cheap. Then I made a "squishy bag" also from a blog...which is simply clear hair gel (entire bottle), a little food coloring and some glitter in a gallon ziplock bag...which looks awesome on the light box but would also work on just a regular table. Its designed to teach strokes and simply let them be creative, Makenzie thought it was fun to swirl her fingers on it.

  I am really enjoying these new experiences with her and watching how much she knows without being prompted. I've learned that sometimes messy is the best method to teaching and I'm learning to embrace the mess :)

  If you'd like to see some of the great ideas Play at Home Mom on facebook is a wonderful resource and pintrest is always a great option as well.

Reality is sinking in...

This may sound ridiculous because I've been diagnosed for almost a year and a half and have had the disease for almost 7 years...yet Tuesday it was like the reality of having this disease just hit me. I'm dealing with my entire life changing but it took my first injection to really make me realize this isn't a terrible dream I'm going to wake up from and be able to laugh about later. You want to see a full grown 25 year old baby...hand me a needle and tell me I have to stick myself with it. 7 years ago at the ripe age of 18 I signed a contract saying that if called upon I would defend my country even if it lead to my own death without even the slightest hesitation and yet some how that stupid needle has managed to get the best of me. You should have seen the show my tremors put on...try throwing a needle with a shaky hand. I am proud to say though that through the tears and shaky hand I DID IT!!! The disappointing part is I don't foresee this being any easier on me anytime soon. The fact that I know if it works I'll have to do it the rest of my life also doesn't make it easier. Permanent things like that are just not very easy to swallow. To add to my lack of motivation to do this once a week I was in the 49% of people who get really awesome flu like symptoms...seriously?!?! somehow I always manage to fall in the rarer situation...and I'm starting to realize that really isn't that cool. lol. All in all I'm praying that I will find the strength to do this once a week and that it will help. until next time...keep your chin up out there.

the cold hard truth...the things that you'd rather not say about MS

I am learning that there are a lot more ways this disease is going to effect me...some of which you just really don't want to even talk about...with anyone. Lately, I feel less in control of my body and my mood. I may want to do certain things but I find myself thinking about how long I'm going to pay for doing them. I having trouble relaxing...I'm exhausted both physically and mentally. I'm crying even more often than I already did (which is terrible because I cried a lot to begin with)...I'm doing this in the shower now to avoid awkward moments with my boyfriend and my beautiful one year old who worries herself sick when I even seem upset. I want to run from any intimate contact because no matter how bad I'd love it to happen...it hurts, and if it doesn't hurt too bad at the time, it will hurt after. I'm turning down things I love to do because of the consequences. I'm holding my son less than I held my daughter because my arms just can't handle it. Life has changed...and the cold hard truth is I'm struggling, but I feel like I shouldn't talk about it because in a way I'm embarrassed. These are things I shouldn't have a problem with yet...and facing that I do is tricky. Trying to hold my head high...

Walk MS Event 2012

  Today is the big day...a three mile walk to join the movement for a cure.  I am flattered by all the generous donations I received although I was kind of disappointed in the fact that only a small handful of people were willing to donate at all.  I am walking this walk today because I still can...I am walking because I will prove to my own body that no matter how much it wants to give up the spirit in me will NOT give up.  I am walking today for the people I have met along the way both before my diagnosis and after that also have MS and cannot walk it for themselves.  I am walking today for not just MS but all of the debilitating diseases out there that we still have no cures for and people are faced to suffer with day in and day out.  This event means the world to me and whether or not it actually makes a difference in being able to find a cure for the disease I will never know but I can at least say that I made an effort to do everything in my power to try and encourage that finding. 
  This disease may effect me physically but it effects the people I care most about emotionally and so my contributions and fundraising efforts have not just been to absolve myself of this disease but to also rid them of the hurt they feel for me as I am forced to struggle through it.  I am blessed with lots of support all of which I could never even begin to express enough gratitude for.  I have MS but I refuse to let MS have me.

~keep smiling out there...