Here we go...

  So I received the call today to have my first month of treatment shipped.  Oddly my stomach has been in knots since.  Shots suck...I don't think there is a single person out there who'd disagree. However...MS sucks worse...so in order to slow down the progression of a really sucky disease, I have to give myself a just regular sucky shot.  Part of me is thrilled because I am having the worst flare up yet and would absolutely love some relief...and part of me is scared shitless.

  This past few weeks has been really hard for me. My legs and arms just really want to have a mind of their own. Frustration sets in not because of how its effecting me but how its effecting my children. Holding my son simply to feed him exhausts my arm to where it doesn't want to move and aches like I've been lifting weights that are way too heavy.  This also effects my daughter because although she is a toddler she still wants mommy to hold her every once in awhile...and well lets face it, if I can't hold a 9 lb baby without ruining my arm for hours how am I supposed to hold a 24 lb toddler :( These are things that should come so easily and yet they come with more difficulty than I could have ever imagined. The other night was the worst its ever been. I was having to really really think to get my legs to move...and frankly that is just unacceptable. I have a brand new baby who needs to be fed in the middle of the night and when I can't get my legs to move properly how am I supposed to do that. I find myself crying a lot more lately because of it...it hurts both physically and emotionally. I want to be the best Mom I can be to my beautiful babies and I feel like they are at a disadvantage because of something completely out of my control.  So...

  Here is to hoping that I can be strong enough to give myself a shot and that it does what it should.

I will remain positive no matter how hard this gets...there is no other option.

:) Keep your chin up!

Just having one of those days...

The normal day of a mother of two little ones under the age of two can be quite chaotic. The newborn screaming because he's hungry, the toddler pulling at your leg going "mommy mommy mommy", and then the house taunting you with the toys and dishes and laundry that needs your attention. Then you throw MS in the mix...and today I just wanted too crawl into a hole and cry. I started the laundry which isn't that demanding and I was feeling good...I was going to have a very productive day. But then I started the dishes and that nagging leg pain came to call. then I vacuumed the floor and my arm cramped up so bad I couldn't move my fingers. This is when my breakdown began. These things need to be done and I can't do t them without terrible pain and paying for it for days. My kids need me and I'm exhausted. I can barely hold Sean to feed him. I just want my 25 year old body to behave like it's supposed to. Today has just been one of those days...

new treatment...

Had my neurologist appointment today. No new lesions but he thinks I'm having a flare up so I am being started in Avonex.a little nervous about the side effects and how I'll feel but here goes a new adventure.wish me luck!!

In a world where age seems to dictate everything...

  Some of life's greatest lessons come from unfortunate events...I have become at least a little wiser because of my diagnosis and I think I've got plenty more to learn from it. One of the first lessons I learned is that we have been raised in a society where we believe that certain things only happen at certain ages. "He did that because he is young", "She is walking like that because she is old"...well the reality is WE ARE WRONG!!! I am 25...I was officially diagnosised when I was 23, my neurologist thinks the leg issues I've had for over six years were the start of my symptoms which means I've had MS since I was 18. Yet, the first thing my regular doctor said when I was complaining over and over again was "Well, what you are describing sounds similar to MS, however, the likelihood that you have a rare disease like that at your age just isn't very likely." But its not just doctors...its normal everyday people like you and me.  I worked in an optometrists office prior to having my son and becoming a stay at home mom.  Some of my worst symptoms came with the first treatment we tried...my tremors went from something I could sort of control to completely out of control, this just being one example.  I had patients day after day ask me why my hands were shaking because I was way too young to have anything seriously wrong with me. One man in particular I will remember for the rest of my life...he wasn't a regular patient of ours just a walk in off the street, meaning I didn't know him like I knew some of my other patients.  Yet he had the guts to say something out loud that I don't think I could have ever prepared myself for. I was filling out the order form for his glasses and struggling to keep the pen where I wanted it and he looks and me and says "I'm going to be a little personal and I probably shouldn't even ask this but are you a recovering alcoholic??" REALLY!?!?!?! He then goes on to say "You just look too young to have anything else wrong with you that could be causing that shaking."  Okay I am not a genius, nor will I ever claim to be...BUT how the hell do I look too young to have a disease and yet I don't look too young to be a recovering alcoholic...I had only been legally able to drink for three years at this point, seriously is that even possible? Needless to say my lesson from this part of the disease is that you never know what people may have going on. Just because they look young or old doesn't mean that they should or shouldn't have something wrong with them. So now when I see that girl in Walmart using a motorized cart that looks like she is in her early 20's, I don't ever think "wow she's awfully lazy" I think "hmm...I wonder if she has something like what I have". And when I see that old couple hopping on their motorcycle like they are still 25 (see what I mean we assume that you shouldn't be doing those things at a certain age)...I don't think "wow they are still doing that at that age", I think "that is awesome they are living their lives to the fullest, go them!!".  We could all learn a thing or two from one another if we gave ourselves a chance to...so my word to the wise today is age is simply a number, nothing more and absolutely nothing less. 

Keep smiling out there...life is too short to do anything else.

MS Momma Tip of the Day...

  As a new mom of two little ones under the age of two...shopping trips or really any trip out of the house can be a daunting task.  The first time I went out with both of them I used one of the carts at Walmart with the extra seating attached to the front.  First off those carts are for the birds. They are difficult to steer and Walmart was kind enough to make them yet they didn't make their aisles big enough to accomodate them.  So...the other night while shopping alone (doesn't happen often have to seize the moments I'm given) I noticed a "Baby Go" carrier in the baby aisle.  I sat there for a while pondering a few ideas.  I have been having lots of trouble with my arms lately and holding my son is getting harder and harder, especially when he is having one of those days where he wants all of my attention and doesn't want to be set down. So as I'm standing there looking at the carrier I realized it could serve multiple purposes. Well I am here to tell you, both MS parents and regular parents alike, that this little carrier which was roughly $22 at Walmart has become my hero.  I have now used it both around the house and on our shopping trip today and let me tell you man did it make things so much easier.  My arms are not nearly as tired today as they have been in the days since my son's arrival and I would recommend this idea to any of my fellow MS parents out there as well as those regular parents who just need a few extra hands around the house...I call it hands free parenting :) maybe I should be in advertising :P

Until next time...

From the beginning...after all where else do you start?

  My official diagnosis and becoming a parent happened at about the same time.  I had my daughter Makenzie in September of 2010 and by October I was starting to have issues using my arms on top of the issues that I've had with my legs for the past 6 years.  I initially complained to my regular doctor, unfortunately he didn't seem to be interested in figuring out what was actually wrong...instead he wanted to make excuses and tell me to come back if it kept up.  This went on for two months before I realized that he wasn't going to help me and so I took matters into my own hands and found a neurologist.  I'm not sure how many of you out there have tried to make an appointment with a neurologist but the wait can be quite lengthy.  I got very lucky and was able to get my first appointment with him in December of 2010 which was only a month wait.
  The process started with reflex testing and some other simple things at my first appointment. It was followed by MRI's, evoked potential testing, and a spinal tap. FYI when they tell you that you may get a spinal headache...what they actually mean is if you get a spinal headache you will wish death upon yourself.  I have never been so miserable in my life and after 5 days I was lucky enough to have to go to the ER for a blood patch to make it go away. All this excitement lead to my next visit with my neuro and the two nastiest words I've ever heard...Multiple Sclerosis.
  Multiple Sclerosis...initial reaction was tears, lots and lots of tears.  If we are being honest this is my initial reaction to anything bad so it probably wasn't overly surprising that I cried.  Then my mind started racing with questions.  Some about the disease because I've seen people with Multiple Sclerosis and all of them were in wheel chairs.  However, most of my questions were not ones that I have ever expressed out loud...except to maybe my Mom. First was...What about my daughter? Am I going to get to enjoy her growing up? Did I potentially doom her with this disease too?? Second was..How can I possibly ask Brian to stay with me?? How can I expect him to take care of me if I do end up in a wheel chair?? And third was...WHY ME!?!?!?!  What did I do wrong?? Why doesn't anyone else in my family have this??
  And so that brings us to now...I now have two beautiful children under the age of 2, these will be my only 2 because I had my tubes tied after my son's csection because of my health issues. I am in the process of being discharged from the military because of my diagnosis and getting put on VA disability...which has been in the works for over a year so I won't hold my breath because if I did, I'd probably already be dead. And I am starting a blog...mostly for theraputic reasons because anyone out there with any sort of disease knows talking about it can help, and maybe just maybe because someone out there who is also a mother with MS or even just another person with MS will feel less alone by hearing my stories. Here goes nothing...